let me tell you a story about don. i met don when i was 15. we worked at a broadway daycamp as counselors. don was good at singing and dancing and acting and entertaining children and i was...cheap labor. don was probably 22, from salt lake city, utah, and had been raised mormon (or, as a member of the church of jesus christ of latter day saints but for the sake of brevity we're just going to shorten that to mormon which i do not find offensive but instead find comforting). don was gay--openly, and sometimes he was going to church and sometimes he wasn't. this was twenty years ago. most gay men did one of two things: they stayed in the closet or they left the church. don wanted to climb out of the closet and stay active somehow, but he had no examples of how to do it. one day don and i found ourselves at the back of a rehearsal, completely alone, which was rare (if you've ever been around drama kids you know how little they value personal space or quiet conversation but mostly personal space) and don told me his story. i was young. i had never had a candid conversation with a gay person before. i went home confused. i didn't know the first thing about being gay and being mormon, or even just being gay, so that night i prayed. and i read my scriptures. i don't remember what scripture i read that night, but it spoke about god's love and the spirit whispered to me, "this is how i feel about don." and i prayed again and i felt god's love so strongly in that moment and i knew i was feeling a taste of god's love for me--and for don. it was beautiful. the next day we found ourselves in the back of the rehearsal, just the two of us. i told don i'd thought about what he'd told me the day before. i felt him stiffen up. i wonder if he thought i was going to condemn him. i told him i'd gone home and prayed. don didn't look at me. i told him that god loved him, that i had felt that love for him, and that he was going to be okay. don held my hand and he cried.
this is how to be an ally.
it is sitting and listening, and then sitting and loving. if you need to stand up, you should stand up. but you don't need to march or hold a sign (unless you do). i don't have to be angry or behave inappropriately. a lot of people seem to have a problem with how to love a gay person. is it permission? should we be giving permission to sinners?
what if you don't worry about permission? what if we just worry about holding each other as we figure things out? what if love is just saying, 'we'll figure this out together and in the meantime i'll listen to you, and love you and you can sit next to me.' what if love is saying, 'if you're mine then you're mine no matter what. even if you're gay. even if you hate the church. even if you don't believe in god. even if you're everyone's favorite human and you're flashy and smart and funny and talented. YOU'RE MINE.' because friends, GUESS WHAT. that's what god says. he does. he said it to don. he says it to me. he says it to all of his children. and becoming like god, which is literally the purpose for this life, is learning how to say it as well.
plus, we're all sinners. if you want to hang with people who don't sin...well, you won't have anyone to hang out with. not even yourself.
"but miriam," i have been asked, "what do i tell my children?" believe me, your children can handle this. this is nothing. here's what i did: i just let it happen naturally. i didn't change my words when my children were around. i didn't ask my friends and family members who are gay to change their behavior when they were around my children. if my child said, "he has a boyfriend? why does he have a boyfriend?" i would say, "because he likes his boyfriend the same way i like daddy."
i get that there are scriptures that say things about gay people. and i get that those scriptures are why churches have treated gay people the way they do. but there are things in the scriptures about women that i don't believe or practice. nor am i held to those standards. they are cultural, they are ancient. we know better. we act better. my friends, if the new testament teaches us anything let it teach us this: Jesus showed us that people are more important than the law. PEOPLE matter. not the law. you love, he'll judge. don't worry about it.
here are some good bits of advice from some of my lgbtq+ friends on how to be an ally:
"get to know the lgbt culture and where it comes from…understand not just the lingo but the experiences and adversities and prejudices faced by lgbtq people.”
“don’t equate same-six attraction with a porn addition or another “problem”. i spent over a year “fixing” the problem, but really it was a year of being even more confused about who i was.”
“the church’s views on gender roles (at least when i attended regularly) were so black and white that growing up i was always forced to hang out with straight guys. if i had been guided to spend time with people who were in the same situation as me (gay guys) then i think it would have allowed me to find more of a community in the church.”
“it would’ve helped knowing that i could talk to someone without fear of retribution or being outed.”
want to understand more but don't know who to ask? here are some resources:
papa ostler's blog (he has a podcast, too!)
and finally, are you feeling alone and lost and unwanted? come find me. come sit with me. i am a safe place and i am not the only one. there are safe places--we just need to find them.
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