miriam beth

 a lot of church is together. we learn in classrooms, we grow in families. we are taught that our families are our greatest group. we are told we will have these families in the gospel together--we are told we will have these families forever. we will be married, we will be parents, we will be brothers and sisters in the gospel, we will be together. 

except when we're not. 

there is a sister in my ward whose husband left the church. and then, a year later, her two sons did, too. and she was heartbroken. she was so, so heartbroken. and she felt so guilty for her heartbreak. she felt like she was being ungrateful with her heartbreak. "i don't want them to feel like I don't love them anymore, but...i think i'm in mourning. i thought we were going to do something else together, and i have to change my idea of family and what that's going to look like. i have to do all this church stuff alone, and that's hard, too. especially because everyone at church is so together..." she said, her eyes full of tears, "and i used to have people to sit with me, but now i just sit there all alone..."

i had a friend who didn't get married until she was older. we went for a hike and she told me how she felt like she had been left behind. "where is my husband?" she asked, her fists clenched at her sides. "where are my children? why am i alone?"

we are meant to do this together. when we give our hearts to jesus, when we exercise our faith and get baptized, we join a family. we are called "the children of christ" and we belong to god--and to each other. we are taught in communities. we gather for celebrations, for weddings and baptisms and graduations. we bring food and we sit together, hold each other's babies, laugh together. we mourn together. we assemble flowers and bring in warm dishes of food. we fold laundry and clean bathrooms and drop things off and pick things up and hold one another in our arms as we cry. 

but sometimes we do not. 

in 2020 we experienced this a little, didn't we? we sat in our homes, watching church through a screen, seeing all the familiar things: the pulpits and the ties, the chairs and the organ. we hear the familiar hymns, so close and so far. this we used to do together. now our circles are tightly drawn. if we do not have the housemates that are also churchmates, we are alone. and that is lonely. 

moroni was alone, too. and this is what he shows us. when he writes of the sacred practices of the nephites he is remembering the togetherness. he mentions the sacrament, the laying on of hands, the communal praying, the together. he misses it, too, doesn't he? 

sometimes things do not turn out as we had expected. sometimes things are different. sometimes they are hard. sometimes we are remembering being together and sometimes we are together. 

i long for the familiar, where i walk into sacrament meeting already exhausted by the sheer effort of just getting there and the sweet older sister who hands out the programs greets me by wrapping me in a big hug. i love the example of a prophet who, raised in the togetherness, now stands alone, and records the beautiful sacred practices of his people. moroni's simple thoughts, his example, continue to comfort us today. applicable now as when he wrote the words. 

 "she was the daughter of faithful pioneer parents who has sacrificed much for the gospel. she had been married in the temple and was the mother of ten children. she was a talented woman who taught her children how to pray and to work hard. she paid her tithing and her family rode to church together in their wagon. though she knew it was contrary to the word of wisdom, she developed the habit of drinking coffee and kept a coffee pot on the back of her stove. she claimed that 'the lord will not keep me out of heaven for a little cup of coffee.' but because of that little cup of coffee she could not qualify for a temple recommend and neither could those of her children who drank coffee with her. she lived to a good old age and she did eventually requalify to enter and serve in the temple, only one of her ten children had a worthy temple marriage and a great number of her posterity, which is now in its fifth generation, live outside the blessings of the restored gospel she believed in and her forefathers sacrificed so much for."

                                       -julie b beck, acting general relief society president "remembering, repenting, and changing" in April 2007

dear loved ones,

today is the first saturday in october. in mormonland (ldsland) this means one thing: cinnamon rolls, i mean, general conference. general conference, for those of who don't know, is when all the leaders of the lds church gather and they give talks and sermons and those talks and sermons are broadcast live and all the mormons sit in their living rooms in their pajamas and eat cinnamon rolls and watch. usually it's suchh a treat to have the day "off" and have church at home, but after nearly seven months in quarantine, it actually feels like normal life, but it's still pretty special. except for when it's not. 

sometimes it is painful. sometimes you sit there without your husband because he doesn't care about church stuff at all and you feel alone and lonely and perhaps like you even did something wrong because you were SUPPOSED to marry a cute returned missionary who loved god more than he loved you. sometimes you sit there with your kids and they are hellions and you feel like they should be listening you should be feeling the spirit and now you are a failure as a mother. sometimes there is only one female speaker at the meeting FOR WOMEN and so you must sit there and listen to men tell you what it is to be a woman in the church and the world. and sometimes you hear things that simply aren't true. 

i'm not supposed to say that last part. i'm really not. i'm supposed to say that everything is true. everything is revelation. everything from that pulpit is as if it is from god's own voice, but my friends, MY FRIENDS. did you read that quote above? president beck got a few things mixed up. sometimes people can hold too many things in the same bowl and mark that bowl "truth" and we don't realize that there's another bowl, labeled "tradition", and a lot of the truth is actually just tradition. sister beck is telling us about tradition. it's fine to make mistakes. it's sad when our mistakes hurt others. but can i tell you a truth?

COFFEE is not going to make you a bad parent. and your children choosing a life outside of your religion does not mean you were a bad parent. THAT IS ABSOLUTELY RIDICULOUS. (sorry president beck. I really do love you and appreciate some of your other talks)

let me tell you what the lord wants you to do: LOVE YOUR GOD. and LOVE EACH OTHER. not all have temple recommends. not all wear your garments day and night even when you exercise and even when you do yard work and even when you have sex. not have eagle scouts for sons and daughters with the personal progress medallions. he wants you to parent like the prodigal son's dad: when you see your wayward, confused, tired, sick child returning from what turned out to be a very bad idea you roll out the fatted calf and you call all the neighbors to come over for a celebration. you RUN to greet him and you THROW YOUR arms around him. don't make him come in the side door and shake your head as you let him back into his old room on new conditions. ROLL IT OUT, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, MY CHILD IS HOME. 

can I say it again, for the people in the back? LOVE. THE. SHIT. OUT. OF. YOUR. CHILDREN. 

make that baby a place at the table even when he isn't home. tell him you wish he'd come home for dinner, wearing a tank top so he can show off his latest tattoos. tell her to bring that girlfriend she'd been living with. WHATEVER YOUR CHILDREN DO WITH THEIR LIVES IS THEIR OWN DAMN BUSINESS. got it? how you love them is yours. so get to work and love them. 

do you honestly think at the end of the day the lord is going to be like, yeah, but how many were temple worthy their entire lives? and when you say none he's going to be all, man, i wish i hadn't sent those kids to you. sister _______ would have been way better at parenting them. then they all would have made it to the temple. 

NO. do you know what he's going to say? number 2 was a difficult to child, wasn't he? and you are going to start crying and be like YES HE WAS WHY DID YOU SEND HIM TO ME. and he'll be like, because i trusted you. AND ALSO THERE ARE A LOT OF DIFFICULT CHILDREN AND I HAD TO SPREAD THEM OUT YOU WEREN'T SUCH A SHOWBOAT YOURSELF, DEARIE.

they're his kids, too, and he decided to send them to this earth experience with a VEIL and AGENCY. 

take those babies home. love them. live your life the best you can. remember that faith and loyalty and humility and gratitude and love--true, real, godly love, will get you where you need to go. practice all of it with and on your children. and let them journey with god in their own way. 

and if you are the woman president beck was talking about and you needed to drink coffee to get through the day because you had ten children and the mcdonald's drive thru with it's large dr pepper that only costs $1.07 doesn't exist yet then by golly, mama, get to work and work it out with god on your own time. it's not my business. 

if my children grow up and decide to be nudists or buddhists that is not my business. it does not mean i wasn't perfect enough. perfect parenting doesn't mean you end up with children that bend to your will. coffee will not ruin a family. a mother who doesn't go to the temple isn't immediately guilty for children who don't stay faithful. god doesn't shut your children out because you didn't everything perfectly right. and the spirit doesn't show up because you battle with your own imperfections.

do i even need to say this last part? parenting is hard. marriage is hard. existing as an individual is HARD. if you are trying your best, your best is good enough. that is literally the message of the gospel. JESUS SAID. give what you've got to him and he will make it enough. parent those babies with him. he gets it. and keep loving them. i'd like to remind you that HE KEEPS LOVING YOU.

also, sometimes conference is hard. sometimes it is painful. and sometimes you need to turn it off and take a walk as a family and remember that even if your husband isn't interested, even if you didn't feel a whisper of the spirit, even if your cinnamon rolls were from a can and they burned, this is just a bad day not a bad life. and there is still a LOT to love in all of this imperfection. i pray this morning for all of us bitterly meeting the imperfection face to face today that we will not let it tell us how hopeless we are. 

love you all.

(sent to my sunday school class on June 20th, published again here for remembrance)


dear sunday school people,

this week we read alma 13-16, if you're studying with your families or on your own, and these chapters contain one of the most tragic and heartbreaking stories in the entire book of scripture (i think so, anyway). in chapter 14 alma and amulek are missionaries, and have been arrested for preaching to the people. the people are LIVID about being preached to. they gather up all of the men who believe and they kick them out of the city, then they gather up all the believing women and children, and all the scriptures, and they build a fire and burn them all. and they make alma and amulek watch.

i...i just can't. isn't that so hard? isn't that so awful? amulek thought so. he said to Alma, "how can we witness this awful scene?" and then he begs, "let us stretch forth our hands, and exercise the power of god...and save them from the flames."

and alma says, "the spirit constraineth me," meaning alma felt the lord telling him not to stop the people, "for...the Lord receiveth them up...the blood of the innocent shall stand as a witness against them."

when i read this i wonder, why does the blood of the innocent need to stand as a witness? why can't the lord understand the hearts of these wicked people deeply enough to understand that they would burn women and children and the scriptures, too? and then just punish them for their potential? but then it occurs to me: we are all filled with potential for a lot of things. i could potentially yell at my children all day long. i could potentially be an alcoholic. i could potentially be a straight-A student. i could potentially spend my life reading the scriptures and adoring them. the point is this: we've all got potential. and it ranges all over: good and bad. it is not our potential that matters, it is our action. what we do is who we choose to be, at least for that moment. the lord allows his children to be who they are before he judges them. that's important to remember.

so i guess the lord needs it to be this way. because our agency matters, and because our choices matter so much, we live in a world where people are awful. and scary. but also, really, really wonderful. and so kind. (one time my mom was in the hospital because she had really low blood sugar and in order to prove she was healthy and we could leave she had to eat something but for whatever reason the cafeteria was taking forever so i ran to in n out to get her some food and all i had was the change in my mom's suburban and this homeless man noticed and he dumped everything he'd been panhandling into my hands saying, "you need this more than me." which was absurd because i was driving a CAR and he was HOMELESS but when he did that, when he took care of me by giving so much of what he had, he taught me a lesson that i cannot put down even know, twenty years later) and in light of everything happening in our country--heck, our planet-- right now i think it applies to us as well: the lord needs it to be this way. he is here to save us and we are here to love the lord and to love his children. we do not get to dictate how it looks to be saved. we just get to be saved.

i think it's really natural to want to be safe. i think it is the most basic function of our brain. and i think it is easy to tell ourselves that if we are "good" then we will be "safe" and that means we won't ever have to suffer. president kimball talked about this idea. he said, "...if we were to close the doors upon sorrow and distress, we might be excluding our greatest friends. suffering can make saints of people as they learn patience, long-suffering, and self-mastery."

even when the believers were not safe--as in, they were about to lose their lives, they were still safe. they were righteous. their hearts were pure. they might have died, but as righteous children of god they had eternal life. this was not their end. we can, no matter what is going on in the world, be safe. how? do your best to do what is right. when you don't, repent. pray to heavenly father and ask for forgiveness, resolve never to do that wrong thing again, fix whatever it is you have done. if you need to talk to bishop, give him a call. even though we are not meeting in the church building he is still the bishop and he still cares and he can help you understand repentance a little more. read your scriptures. pray. love your neighbor (that's everyone, FYI). keep going.

my friends, make sure you are safe. trust in the lord. he loves you and he wants what is best for us. he has a plan for you and it is a good one.

love,

sister h

(my Sunday School letters are the Sunday school lesson is emailed my class during quarantine. this was originally sent on June 7th, before being published here)
my class,

first, i would just like to say CONGRATULATIONS to our graduates. you GRADUATED! YOU DID IT!! HOORAY FOR YOU!!! this is big. this was four years (well, more if you count middle school and elementary school and heck, why not? Shout out to the preschool years!) of hard work. dedication. making plans. following through. studying. tests. papers. cramming. football. volleyball. bowling.

guys, i loved being your teacher. and i am going to MISS you. and i am so excited to watch what you do next and hear about the things you learn. life is funny like that: you never stop learning. so keep us updated! and don't hesitate to come back and visit us in class.

in the book of mormon, alma the younger is on to his next adventure, too. he's giving up his seat as a judge for the people and is instead traveling among the people to bear his testimony. so, he's serving another mission, and he's doing it "according to the spirit of revelation and prophecy" (alma 4:20).

we're just going to focus today on the first part of chapter 5 because it is SO GOOD. alma begins by reminding the people of zarahemla of how they came to be there: because god is good and delivered his people. how many times do the prophets remind the people that they have been delivered? he reminds them of the bondage of their fathers (and mothers) and their grandfathers (and grandmothers), of their time in the wilderness. he reminds them of their wicked leaders and how they survived and were able to travel to the land of zarahemla and be together as a church. they grew, they planted, they built, they had babies! then he reminds them of how god saved them in another way, too.

alma 5:7, "behold, he changed their hearts; yea, he awakened them out of a deep sleep, and they awoke unto God."

god saves. he does. like the people of king limhi he leads them out of the wilderness, like the people of the first alma, he makes their burdens light, and for all of us--EVERY. SINGLE. ONE OF US he CHANGES our hearts and WAKES US UP TO HIM. alma the younger is reminding us that their fathers and grandfathers were "in the midst of darkness" (verse 7) and that "their souls were illuminated by the light of the everlasting word" (again, verse 7).

in verse 9, alma says, "...their souls did expand, and they did sing redeeming love."

life is hard. it is overwhelming. the older you get, the bigger life seems to become. there are more choices, there is more freedom, there are more ways to talk yourself into and out of things. do you go to church now that your mom and dad aren't making you? do you read your scriptures even though you are so tired? do you pray even though you really need to rush out the door or you'll be late? decide now that you will wake up to god. let your soul be illuminated--let your life be lit up by your love for God and His love for you. it is so good to let god save. it is redeeming love. it will fill you and expand your soul.

IF you let Him. god will always show up for you, but if you want to really feel that power in your life you have to show up for god. pray. read your scriptures. be grateful. look for god's hand and be prepared to act.  in mosiah 4:9 it says, "believe in god. believe that he is, and that he created all things..." believing in god and being prepared to act is how it all begins. it won't always be easy, or clear, but it will be something you can carry with you always and it can be something that will lead to a lot of goodness.

i'd like to add my testimony to alma's, even though i am no prophet, i will repeat what he said because i feel like it is SO TRUE. god will SAVE us. he will lighten our burdens so we can keep going. he will guide us to a safe place. he will change our hearts. i think of you, graduates, and this is what i wish for you the most out of all the accomplishments or adventures in life. having god with you is more important than any job, or degree, or travel.

i miss you guys,

sister h

(this sunday school letter was originally sent to my sunday school class may 17th before being published here)

this is late. i apologize but it was finals week and i literally didn't do anything i was supposed to do all week...and that includes wash my hair or the laundry. but the good news: finals are over! and i am a free woman! when do you finish up? are you almost done, too? what are you doing for the summer?

lately we've learned about several groups of people in the book of mormon who are in bondage. these people are nephites and the people keeping them in bondage are the lamanites. last time we talked about one of these groups of people, and their king, limhi, who had faith in their deliverance. this time we'll talk about the people of alma.

alma, as you might recall, was a priest for the wicked king noah. he heard the words of abinadi and his heart was changed. he escaped the lamanites, began to teach the people quietly, baptizing them in the waters of mormon. then they went to their own little piece of land and began to work and practice their religion together. the lamanites discovered them and immediately enslaved them. mosiah 24:9 says that the king "...exercised authority over them, and put tasks upon them, and put taskmasters over them." in verse 10 we read, "...so great were their afflictions that they began to cry mightily to God."

the king did NOT like this and so he put guards over the people of alma to make sure they absolutely did NOT pray. the joke's on him, of course, because prayer is something you can do once loudly and in front of people with your hands held high, or folded, or whatever, but it's also something you can do all day long, quietly and privately, in your heart.

verse 12 says, "and alma and his people did not raise their voices to the lord their god, but did pour out their hearts to him: and he know the thoughts of their hearts."

when alma and his people were told they couldn't pray anymore it was almost like they'd been given permission not to pray because it wasn't allowed. but was it right? just because we are given opportunities--maybe even really good opportunities to excuse ourselves from doing the right things doesn't mean we should take them. yeah, church isn't happening in our church buildings, but it can happen in our homes--in our hearts. alma and his people weren't allowed to kneel down and fold their arms and say out loud the words, "dear heavenly father..." but they could pray to god in their hearts.
when they prayed in their hearts the lord spoke to them. in verse 12 it says, "...lift up your heads and be of good comfort, for i know of the covenant which you have made unto me; and i will covenant with my people and deliver them out of bondage."

and then do you know what he promised? he promised that he would ease the burdens "that you cannot even feel them upon your backs" (verse 14).

why?

"...that ye stand as witnesses for me...that ye may know of a surety that i, the lord god, do visit my people in their afflictions." (also verse 14).

MY FRIENDS. let's do the right thing, even when we have to think outside the box to do it. let's tell the lord what's going on, share our burdens with him, share our bondage, share our joys, our triumphs. let's allow the lord to WORK in our lives, to help us out. he can make our burdens light. we can know that he is with us. we can stand as witnesses of god.

i hope you are all doing well. I MISS YOU. i can't wait to see your faces in person and hug you all. you're on my mind, in my prayers. be strong. be good.

see you soon,

sister h

(another Sunday school letter that I sent to my class during quarantine. originally sent may 2 before being published here)




you GUYS,

remember last time i did this and i was like, oh guys, i miss you but we've only been quarantined for two weeks and it'll be over soon?

welcome, week 8. i miss you so much i am probably going to hug you with way too much enthusiasm  when i see you again. i mean I'm a bit of an extrovert and when i see my mail carrier i'm like OH HELLO HOW ARE YOU HOWS THE FAMILY WHAT ARE YOU UP TO THESE DAYS??? and he's like, ummmm, ma'am? do i know you?

the answer is no. he doesn't.

let's start with the obvious: quarantine. weird, right? you know what this feels like to me? a loss of control. options being taken from me. opportunities being dropped right as i got them in sight. every week i feel like there is one more thing i am erasing from my calendar. a trip to new york (i have never been!), a music festival, a workshop i was going to teach, a race i was going to run. i had a graduation this may. and several of you had graduations this june. graduation nights. proms. opportunities to build for an impressive year for your last year of high school. summer jobs. camps. experiences. travel. summer school (okay, so no one is going to really miss that. mine starts in the middle of june and i'm fine if that takes a long time to get here). HOWEVER, this will not result in anything VITAL being truly lost. it may feel like loss, but sometimes loss is really just opportunity. let this be an opportunity. let this polish you into the person god wants you to be.

in mosiah 7, ammon (not the son of mosiah, but another dude--he's described as being "a strong and mighty man") takes 15 guys in to the wilderness to find out what happened to some of their relatives who went a different way when the family split up (remember how everybody split up when lehi died?). and they find them! they walk straight into their city and the king arrests them because he doesn't trust them. ammon and his men are brought before him and the king asks them who they are and what they want and ammon tells him, "hey! we were looking for you!". the king is so relieved. he'd actually sent some men out before to find them, but they got lost and all they found was the remnants of an another civilization and their records, which they'd brought home with them. the king, limhi, is thrilled because his people have been forced to pay a tribute to the lamanites that comes to about half of everything they grow or make. king limhi tells ammon that they would rather be slaves to the nephites than pay tribute to the king of the lamanites. he gathers his people together and he tells them (in chapter 7 verse 19) that they can rejoice! and put their trust in god because he is their god and he delivers his children and until he delivers them, he provides for them.

my friends, you are god's children and he will provide for you until he delivers you. just as he fed the children of israel in the desert, just as king limhi's people always had just enough to pay tribute to the king of the lamanites and then feed themselves, he will feed you. you might be seeing opportunities and accomplishments and the fruit of your hard work pass you by, and this might feel like you're being left behind or missing out or losing something important, but this is not the end of your story. king limhi and his people watched themselves lose again and again every year when the lamanites came and took all of their hard work away from them, and humiliated them by making them pay tribute to their king, but this was not the end of their story. they were god's children and after a time (when the time was right) the lord sent ammon and his fifteen strong men to king limhi and his people to set them free and bring them to a new land with a good king and a good people to become a part of.

"but if ye will turn to the lord with full purpose of heart, and put your trust in him, and serve him with a ll diligence of mind, if ye do this, he will, according to his own will and pleasure, deliver you out of bondage." (mosiah 7:33)

this week let's practice turning to the lord and putting our trust in him.
i'm so grateful for the sundays we have spent together. i am so grateful to have a god to belong to, to have opportunities to practice faith and trust, for a gospel that gives me opportunities to find joy and happiness even when i'm quarantined. do good, my friends, and have faith.

love,

sister h

(i'm a sunday school teacher and most of my missed sundays with my class i write them a little sunday school lesson in an email. i thought i'd publish these here to remember the things we studied, the things we learned, and the time that this is. here's the first, originally sent on march 28, 2020)


hey classy class,

isn't this crazy?  we've been shut down! the good news: this is just a moment. let it be a moment. let yourself feel the crazy, but also, let yourself slow down. take advantage of it. learn something new (may i recommend learning to cook something? And then actually cooking it? and giving your dear old mom a break for once? WOULDN'T THAT BE AMAZING IF YOU DID THAT?). get out and try things. do some push ups. change a tire. build me a chicken coop. i need one.

here's a teeny-tiny spiritual thought for the day:

do you remember the story of enos in the book of mormon? i'll tell it to you really fast: enos is one of the writers in the book of mormon. one day he is out hunting in the forest and he starts thinking about all the things his dad taught him growing up. he thought about eternal life, and having joy and then he said his soul "hungered" so he knelt down--right where he was-- and he prayed. he prayed and prayed. he just let it all out to the lord. he told the lord exactly who he was and exactly who he wanted to be and he told the lord that he needed his help. it took all day. and into the night.

and then, the lord spoke to him. he he said, "enos, thy sins are forgiven."

and enos said, "i, enos, knew that god could not lie." and he asked, "lord, how is it done?"

And god answered him. he said, "because of thy faith in jesus christ."

my friends, you can have faith in jesus christ and you can have a day (and a night) like enos. this week PRAY. just pray. tell god who you really are. listen to understand who god really wants you to be. think about all of this.

back to the story, really quick: after enos had this experience he said, "my faith began to be unshaken in the lord."

this is the next step. when god speaks to you BELIEVE Him. when he tells you that you are worthy, or good, or loved, BELIEVE God. and until you hear from him know that i am here, and that i believe in you. i believe that you are worthy and good and loved. and i hope you have a good week.

see you soon,

sister h

we know we've lost sight of the reason for modesty in the church (of jesus christ of latter day saints). we know that telling young girls that they're the reason young boys are having sexual thoughts is wrong. we know that when we obsess over necklines and skirt lengths we're sexualizing girls. when we tell them that "modest is hottest" we're focusing on their bodies, their clothes. we're letting them know we're noticing them, but not their kindness, or their integrity, their strength or their authenticity--their clothes. their bodies. the stuff that literally doesn't matter. when we tell them boys notice, that those boys are thinking sexual thoughts about them, we're telling them that they've got this responsibility--people are thinking things about them based on their appearances--and these things can be bad.

all of this has been said before (well, i might add. read this post, and this post and listen to this podcast). the thing that i always struggle with is this: now what? if we all agree that modesty isn't about being responsible for the thoughts of others, or judging the appearances of one another, then what is the point of modesty?

i have an idea: let's not talk about it. let's not obsess. let's try something else. let's just be happy these young women are here. let's build them up so much they don't rely on the bodies to bring them attention or identity. and if they choose to use their bodies to bring themselves attention and identity, we respect that and don't spend all our time hovering around them, telling them how wrong they are and how disappointed we-- and even worse, god--are.

there's this thing called enclothed cognition. it's based off this idea that our physical experiences are shaping our mental experiences. listen to this: these two scientists at northwestern university did this experiment where they split a group in to two: one half got a lab coat and the other half had only their street clothes. the group in the lab coat made half the mistakes the street clothes group made. then they did this other experiment with three groups of people: group one was told to wear a doctor's lab coat, group two was told to wear an artist's white coat, and the third group was shown a doctor's lab coat that was in the room with them, but they did not wear. guess which group did the best?

the conclusions were this: clothing holds symbolic meaning. the clothes we wear can influence our confidence, our attitude, our mood. people who get up and put their workout clothes on are twice as likely to get a workout in before the day ends.

when people ask me what they should wear to a photoshoot (i'm a family and occasionally, a wedding photographer) i always tell them to wear what they love because if you love what you're wearing you feel comfortable and if you're comfortable you're automatically more available for show up for the photoshoot. believe me, it makes a difference.

a tip from the experts at northwestern university? in the morning ask yourself how you want to feel that day then put the clothes on that will help you get there. you know those lds families where they all wear church clothes all day and don't change when they get home? (i've 100% never done this and have perhaps, on occasion, mocked those people) turns out they were on to something. (i hate that)

this is what we should be telling our young women: your clothes are supposed to help you feel good about yourself. pick the clothes you love. pick the clothes that define you. think about how you want to be defined. think about who you really are. think about what you want to accomplish, where you want to end up, who you want to be with. dress for the job you want. dress for the life you want.

more resources, here. and here. and here.

let me tell you a story about don. i met don when i was 15. we worked at a broadway daycamp as counselors. don was good at singing and dancing and acting and entertaining children and i was...cheap labor. don was probably 22, from salt lake city, utah, and had been raised mormon (or, as a member of the church of jesus christ of latter day saints but for the sake of brevity we're just going to shorten that to mormon which i do not find offensive but instead find comforting). don was gay--openly, and sometimes he was going to church and sometimes he wasn't. this was twenty years ago. most gay men did one of two things: they stayed in the closet or they left the church. don wanted to climb out of the closet and stay active somehow, but he had no examples of how to do it. one day don and i found ourselves at the back of a rehearsal, completely alone, which was rare (if you've ever been around drama kids you know how little they value personal space or quiet conversation but mostly personal space) and don told me his story. i was young. i had never had a candid conversation with a gay person before. i went home confused. i didn't know the first thing about being gay and being mormon, or even just being gay, so that night i prayed. and i read my scriptures. i don't remember what scripture i read that night, but it spoke about god's love and the spirit whispered to me, "this is how i feel about don." and i prayed again and i felt god's love so strongly in that moment and i knew i was feeling a taste of god's love for me--and for don. it was beautiful. the next day we found ourselves in the back of the rehearsal, just the two of us. i told don i'd thought about what he'd told me the day before. i felt him stiffen up. i wonder if he thought i was going to condemn him. i told him i'd gone home and prayed. don didn't look at me. i told him that god loved him, that i had felt that love for him, and that he was going to be okay. don held my hand and he cried.

this is how to be an ally.

it is sitting and listening, and then sitting and loving. if you need to stand up, you should stand up. but you don't need to march or hold a sign (unless you do). i don't have to be angry or behave inappropriately. a lot of people seem to have a problem with how to love a gay person. is it permission? should we be giving permission to sinners?

what if you don't worry about permission? what if we just worry about holding each other as we figure things out? what if love is just saying, 'we'll figure this out together and in the meantime i'll listen to you, and love you and you can sit next to me.' what if love is saying, 'if you're mine then you're mine no matter what. even if you're gay. even if you hate the church. even if you don't believe in god. even if you're everyone's favorite human and you're flashy and smart and funny and talented. YOU'RE MINE.' because friends, GUESS WHAT. that's what god says. he does. he said it to don. he says it to me. he says it to all of his children. and becoming like god, which is literally the purpose for this life, is learning how to say it as well.

plus, we're all sinners. if you want to hang with people who don't sin...well, you won't have anyone to hang out with. not even yourself.

"but miriam," i have been asked, "what do i tell my children?" believe me, your children can handle this. this is nothing. here's what i did: i just let it happen naturally. i didn't change my words when my children were around. i didn't ask my friends and family members who are gay to change their behavior when they were around my children. if my child said, "he has a boyfriend? why does he have a boyfriend?" i would say, "because he likes his boyfriend the same way i like daddy."

i get that there are scriptures that say things about gay people. and i get that those scriptures are why churches have treated gay people the way they do. but there are things in the scriptures about women that i don't believe or practice. nor am i held to those standards. they are cultural, they are ancient. we know better. we act better. my friends, if the new testament teaches us anything let it teach us this: Jesus showed us that people are more important than the law. PEOPLE matter. not the law. you love, he'll judge. don't worry about it.

here are some good bits of advice from some of my lgbtq+ friends on how to be an ally: