'holding her sorrows' by caitlin connolly, found here
dear sunday school people,
this week we read alma 13-16, if you're studying with your families or on your own, and these chapters contain one of the most tragic and heartbreaking stories in the entire book of scripture (i think so, anyway). in chapter 14 alma and amulek are missionaries, and have been arrested for preaching to the people. the people are LIVID about being preached to. they gather up all of the men who believe and they kick them out of the city, then they gather up all the believing women and children, and all the scriptures, and they build a fire and burn them all. and they make alma and amulek watch.
i...i just can't. isn't that so hard? isn't that so awful? amulek thought so. he said to Alma, "how can we witness this awful scene?" and then he begs, "let us stretch forth our hands, and exercise the power of god...and save them from the flames."
and alma says, "the spirit constraineth me," meaning alma felt the lord telling him not to stop the people, "for...the Lord receiveth them up...the blood of the innocent shall stand as a witness against them."
when i read this i wonder, why does the blood of the innocent need to stand as a witness? why can't the lord understand the hearts of these wicked people deeply enough to understand that they would burn women and children and the scriptures, too? and then just punish them for their potential? but then it occurs to me: we are all filled with potential for a lot of things. i could potentially yell at my children all day long. i could potentially be an alcoholic. i could potentially be a straight-A student. i could potentially spend my life reading the scriptures and adoring them. the point is this: we've all got potential. and it ranges all over: good and bad. it is not our potential that matters, it is our action. what we do is who we choose to be, at least for that moment. the lord allows his children to be who they are before he judges them. that's important to remember.
so i guess the lord needs it to be this way. because our agency matters, and because our choices matter so much, we live in a world where people are awful. and scary. but also, really, really wonderful. and so kind. (one time my mom was in the hospital because she had really low blood sugar and in order to prove she was healthy and we could leave she had to eat something but for whatever reason the cafeteria was taking forever so i ran to in n out to get her some food and all i had was the change in my mom's suburban and this homeless man noticed and he dumped everything he'd been panhandling into my hands saying, "you need this more than me." which was absurd because i was driving a CAR and he was HOMELESS but when he did that, when he took care of me by giving so much of what he had, he taught me a lesson that i cannot put down even know, twenty years later) and in light of everything happening in our country--heck, our planet-- right now i think it applies to us as well: the lord needs it to be this way. he is here to save us and we are here to love the lord and to love his children. we do not get to dictate how it looks to be saved. we just get to be saved.
i think it's really natural to want to be safe. i think it is the most basic function of our brain. and i think it is easy to tell ourselves that if we are "good" then we will be "safe" and that means we won't ever have to suffer. president kimball talked about this idea. he said, "...if we were to close the doors upon sorrow and distress, we might be excluding our greatest friends. suffering can make saints of people as they learn patience, long-suffering, and self-mastery."
even when the believers were not safe--as in, they were about to lose their lives, they were still safe. they were righteous. their hearts were pure. they might have died, but as righteous children of god they had eternal life. this was not their end. we can, no matter what is going on in the world, be safe. how? do your best to do what is right. when you don't, repent. pray to heavenly father and ask for forgiveness, resolve never to do that wrong thing again, fix whatever it is you have done. if you need to talk to bishop, give him a call. even though we are not meeting in the church building he is still the bishop and he still cares and he can help you understand repentance a little more. read your scriptures. pray. love your neighbor (that's everyone, FYI). keep going.
my friends, make sure you are safe. trust in the lord. he loves you and he wants what is best for us. he has a plan for you and it is a good one.
love,
sister h
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