miriam beth

on monday the los angeles unified school district announced that it would be keeping children at home (i feel like we used to call it social distancing but we have since come up with a new, more politically correct, more fun name for this bastardized version of homeschool but i don't know what that term is and frankly, i'm not interested in painting this whole scene a prettier color). we are a few school districts removed from lausd, and we are also in a different county, but it is one of the largest school districts in the state and it is close enough that whatever they do, we do, too, historically.

and even though the lausd is dealing with some union issues right now, and that's part of the reason for the social distance model of learning (so i hear), i sat there monday and i knew that come fall we were most likely going to end up social distancing in the fall.

here are a few things that i know:

the covid numbers are on the rise. we need to be careful.

sending children to school for six hours in masks is a long time. keeping them six feet apart is difficult. school will be hard. and different.

putting 22 children in a classroom (and multiplying that by 16) with teachers and administration and everyone else that comes with school (yard duties, lunch ladies, specialists, janitors, etc.) is a mini-pandemic waiting to happen. if a tiny bit of covid slips in? forget it. we'll all be out. for two weeks? will we be practicing this social distancing model of education then? will teachers get sick leave? will we hire substitutes to teach us over zoom? if my children are attending a school with all of those people do we do our job and avoid any contact with anyone else? what about my parents? what about the stores?

honestly, there are only two ways to do this: at home. because this is dangerous and it's important we keep the contraction levels low. or, it's not that bad. and we are going to go to school. and if we get it, we get it and some of us will get sick and some of us will be fine and some of us will die. but we can't do both. and maybe this is the biggest issue I'm having: WHAT ARE WE DOING. are we canceling concerts and parades and closing bars and gyms and salons and wearing masks and staying at home and avoiding parks and church? or are we sending our children to school and letting them play sports and play in the band?

DEAR GOVERNMENT, PLEASE PICK ONE AND THEN LET US KNOW.

to be fair, i know that governor Newsom has tried to pick one and has, indeed, let us know. so i guess i'm just doing what a citizen does best: placing all the blame on the government.

tuesday it was a mental breakdown like a slow leak that just ended with me curled up on my bed for thirty minutes before i got up and made dinner. here's the thing: even though our teachers are really, really wonderful, and even though they are doing such an excellent job at making sure the children have what they need and are learning, it is still a big job for a parent. and guess who that parent is? it's me. the mom. why? because for whatever reason when there needs to be a sacrifice of personage made for the sake of the home we turn to the woman.

it is something that is taken for granted that men get to be both men and fathers and it is not for women. it is something that is taken for granted that once a woman becomes a mother she is a mother. and if she does the work to be a woman, too, we are all surprised. do you know what people say when they find out i do stuff other than raise children and bake cookies? "wow, good for you." no one says that to Ryan.

and when the government sends the children home, guess who else they sent home, too? women. women are leaving jobs. they are cutting down hours. they are doing this because suddenly their children are home, suddenly their educations need to be managed. suddenly they have no childcare and whatever childcare they can find is so expensive that their jobs--which they are not paid equally for to begin with--do not warrant the sacrifice.

when  went back to school do you know what people asked me?

"how does ryan feel about this?"

i'm sorry? how does RYAN feel about ME going back to school?

"i mean, it's got to be hard for him."

 if my children are going to be staying home in the fall i am going to be staying home, too. no more school. why? because i cannot go to school and homeschool four children while entertaining a fifth at the same time. college is already built for single people who don't have children. now i am not only a married woman with five children, but they are all at home. and they need things. i sat on a mom call monday morning for an hour with nathan on my lap, sarah at my elbow, and at least one visit each from seth, ava, and kate. i did sarah's hair and kate's hair and brushed a doll's hair and ran and got a bowl of cereal really fast. ryan worked in ava's room, because that's where he's set up work. he never conducts business in this manner. he gets to live with the expectation that when he's working he gets to do this alone, and focused. if he were to do something in the middle of the day that had to do with parenting everyone would stand around, impressed, and say, "good for you!" whereas i sit on that stupid zoom meeting braiding hair and people are like, "what are you going to do? covid times are strange times."

you know what's strange? being told you're valued and then finding out you're not really valued at all. and you know what else is strange? not being that surprised.

look, i don't want my kids to go back to school full-time. i don't know if that's the answer. i want them to be safe. but I do know that I am not a teacher. and now i am being asked to teach. and i do know that I have things that I'm supposed to be doing, important things, and those things can't be done if I am being asked to teach and comfort and prepare and encourage and coach.

i'm taking the semester off. and that's was part of tuesday's break down. grief. fear. sadness.

look, it's not okay that this is happening, but it's not the end. so i will keep going. we all will. the semester will be spent together, zooming in and out of virtual classrooms, workbooks, reading out loud, fun games. and then i'll get back to school. and ryan, bless him, will be just fine with that.